Forgiveness & rage

A meditation on my relationship with anger.

Maybe it’s my Libra Venus and Mars, but anger lives in my body for as long as it takes for me to forgive myself.

Whether I’m moving through an interpersonal rift or symptoms of a deeply sick and evil world, I’ve historically been able to relate to my anger by turning the mirror back on myself. With an honest reflection cast I can gaze upon anger with understanding — beholding it with compassion.

Still, I wasn’t taught how to express my anger as a child. I received messages that anger was an unhealthy emotion that only led to aggression, outbursts and negativity. Anger never left my body, it just lingered. With anger turned inward I created habits of rumination — overthinking, playing out too many “what if” scenarios and even granting people more access to me than they deserved because I could rationalize their prior transgressions. Socialized as a Black and Chinese girl with neurodivergence, there was much to be angry about, and yet I’ve only come into relationship with this powerful emotional experience in the last few years of my late 20s.

What I understand about my anger is this: it invites me into integrity. When others behave in ways that make me angry, I’m called back into my own value system and whether I align with it. Am I complicit in the very dynamics that upset me? When others mean to harm me I must look at my own self-protective measures very honestly; this isn’t to say that others are absolved of their accountability, but in my own experience, I see where I’ve dropped the ball on being my own best friend.

My anger seeks transformation. And in the spirit of accountability, I’ve learned that I cannot process anger in the mental realm, no matter how much I try. When I ask myself, “where am I complicit in the systems that anger me?” it’s also an invitation to embody the transformation I wish to see, instead of just letting it exist in theory. My anger asks me to forgive myself for the things I may not be able to forgive others for, and then go out into the world and break cycles where I can. Embodiment is accountability.

In the last 6 months, I’ve worked closely with Skullcap, Lemon Balm, Tulsi and St. John’s Wort. Other friends who stepped in at varying moments also include Chrysanthemum, Calendula and Ashwagandha. All of these plant allies have, in their own way and in specific situations, brought me back into my body.

Calendula flower essence I make every now and then…

There were times when I needed support accessing my inner fire, my yang, my ability to act from a place of certainty and resolve; it was in these moments that I called upon warming herbs. Especially with my history of over-rationalizing my anger instead of fully feeling it, the warming herbs facilitated a return to embodiment and encouraged healthy circulation of blood, chi and emotions.

Other times, my anger wished to be witnessed alongside grief, and so cooling or nervine herbs came in to offer emotional and energetic grounding. Cradled in their soothing medicine, I could access the myriad of other emotional experiences that often live alongside anger, like sadness for what my inner child experienced or feelings of embarrassment and shame. It was in these times that I moved closer into my yin to fully feel the depth of my emotions and make space for compassionate witnessing.

With these two herbal approaches, I also began to feel more equipped to let anger pass through my body during intentional movement. Dancing, cleaning, stomping and shaking have all helped me feel much more lighthearted.

Smiling Shel in the canyons with Black & Purple Sage. Taken by perched.pokes ~

I’ve been taking a St. John’s Wort tincture daily for about a month and a half now, from my friend and resident healer Benicio of Aguitas Astrales. I’ve noticed that this sunny plant ally supports me in shaking off what doesn’t need to stay in my auric field. My sugar cravings are down and I can hear my body’s dietary requests loud and clear — and I’m actually able to fulfill them. I’m still learning about the ways that anger lives in the Liver (TCM lens), but I’ve already intuitively noticed that my digestion and skin appearance were severely impacted in the seasons of my life where I held unexpressed anger.

I know that my lessons involving anger also necessitate forgiveness. I forgive myself for not listening to my intuition, so much to the point that Spirit sends me people to enact my internal drama in the physical. I forgive myself for believing I am powerless, and I embrace accountability as a multi-way street that also invites other people into their integrity; I am not here to shoulder the pain that others put upon me. I forgive myself for not rebuking harm sooner. I forgive myself for enacting harm because I was in denial about my own definitions of harm.

I can’t speak for everyone’s journey or relationship to this powerful emotional teacher, but I do hope that if you struggle with expressing anger, you ask for support from healers both human and more-than-human. Holding onto anger until we become numb is exactly what empire wants from its complicit and complacent subjects. We were made to work alongside anger to birth both newer and older, as well as truer, ways of co-existing. From the flames of what we’ve scorched, ancient ways emerge.

Sending you a lot of love and gentleness this Eclipse season.

Until next time,

Shel x

P.S: There’s 25% off in my apothecary until the end of today, Fri 3/6. If you enjoy my herbal poetic writings, you’ll love the remedies made from my homegrown herbs.

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The Dream Seeding Studio weaves herbalism and poetry with hands-on workshops, BIPOC virtual writing circles and small batch herbal remedies. The Studio is nurtured by Shel, a Black/Chinese/non-binary herbalist and poet, chaos gardening their way into remembering on Kumeyaay Land (San Diego).